Re-discovering a passion

So it’s a week since learning was officially finished for me; a week that I spent on the balcony most of the time (yes, I do have several sunburns, but it’s quite worth it), reading; a week in which I simply enjoyed myself, and a week in which I found out how much I missed reading, since that was what I spent practically all my time with.

Reading. Reading has made up a major part of my life, a major part of my personality, my creativity. When I was younger, I spent practically all my time reading, drowning in all those books, all those words, disappearing into those strange worlds. I have to admit that I neglected reading in the past time, when I was too busy with school and personal problems. I’m not saying I didn’t have the time to read. I did have the time (seeing that I only started to actually study in the past few months), but not the strength, the motivation, to actually do so. There was constantly something else on my mind, I couldn’t really focus on the words for long (especially when they were written in German), and there was the continuous feeling that I should be doing something else than reading, and so I did. My head was so full with all sorts of things that I couldn’t concentrate on books any longer, that I didn’t have the ability to “let go” and simply read. And in the past few days, I noticed how much I had missed that “reading” feeling.

What an amazing feeling it is to let go of all the things around you, to let your imagination work, to switch into a different reality entirely, seeing, thinking from a different perspective, enjoying yourself. Those past few days actually were quite amazing, as they brought something back to me that meant so much to me. I haven’t read that much in… months, I guess, even though I wanted to. One moment, you’re in Paris (Claudine geht by Colette), the next moment you’re in Nazi Germany and look through the eyes of Death (The Book Thief, which I read this weekend and finished just half an hour ago), and then, the next second, you’re on the Discworld (Moving Pictures, which I am currently reading). All this within one week. Amazing. I love that reading feeling.

The Book Thief, however, really astonished me. I’ve read quite a few books, really, but this is one of the books that are really unputdownable. Brilliantly written, simply amazing, with so many emotions, so much meaning. I was surprised, sometimes, that I had tears in my eyes when I was reading, and I seriously couldn’t put the book down. About 250 todays, about 250 pages yesterday, and some pages on the day before that. I’m still quite overwhelmed by that beauty.

I also realized, though, that I read more slowly now; seems I’ve lost my “practice”. I still read considerably fast, but not as fast as I am used to. So I’ll go now and improve my pace, and I’ll have a great time on the Discworld.

The end of this chapter…

Finished, once and for all. I had my oral exam today (Maths) – I seriously dislike exponential functions and was rather prepared for “my” topic, which was polynomials, and I especially hate exponential functions in a context, and that was exactly what I got, so I was panicking already when I had a look at the task – and, of course, speaking of exponential functions, I got confused and did quite a few sign errors, especially since it’s hard for me to keep a clear overview when I have to do something on the blackboard. The second half was much better – vector analysis – and even though I sometimes miscalculated stuff (due to me being too stupid for proper mental arithmetic – what do I have my awesome calculator for when I don’t use it, anyway?) it was alright. So, I got my result almost two hours later and what can I see – I actually managed to do 12 points (2+) – even with such a stupid exponential function! Now, how cool is that? A friend of mine drove me home afterwards, and everything’s cool for me right now.

I basically spent the last days on the balcony, doing Maths with a friend of mine, in the sunshine, with too much of chocolate and cake, but that was just necessary. I actually have a sunburn from doing Maths and I generally keep thinking about normal things in mathematical terms – so it really was about time that I had this oral exam, and that I am finally done. We’re going to get our written results on June 12th, then we will get to know whether we will have to do an additional exam, but I seriously doubt that in my case. So, anyway, I’m actually “free” now. I’ll head for my mum’s soon, having lunch, and in the evening I have to give private lessons, and after that – simply relaxing, having fun, and thinking of things other than school. It was about time, really.

So now that I am “free”, what are my plans? I will finally be able to focus on more important things. Currently on my to-do-list is:

• cleaning up the apartment
• putting away ALL my school stuff, sorting out the school books so that I can return them to my school on June 12th
• tidying up my room
• spending lots of time on the balcony, in the sun
• reading A LOT (I have so many books to read, and I’ve neglected reading due to school – but now I have time, the whole day…)
• getting some exercise
• looking for a job

Yeah. So, that’s what I’ve planned. But the next days will simply consist of enjoying myself, having a good time, relaxing… you name it.

And that’s how the chapter “school” is closed. A strange feeling, actually… a really strange feeling, now that I’m finally done…

My latest distraction

I’m currently quite busy with my final exams, meaning that I’m studying – or pretending to study – most of the time, which is quite exhausting. I’m tired, I’m sort of not really myself and keep forgetting things I usually wouldn’t forget – talk to people, listen to people, clean up the apartment, whatever it is, I can’t really focus on it. And an enormous lack of sleep. One more exam to go, which will be the hardest – History, oh, how I hate modern History -, then only the oral exam, and then I’m finally done. It’s about time, too.

There are few things that actually cheer me up at the moment, only few things that really distract me, and I’m always looking forward to them. One thing, of course, is role-playing. Planning the Maraskan trip there is so much fun, and simply being my character is just good to relax and get my mind off things.

The second thing is, in fact, my brother’s X-Box, where I seem to spend more time than I originally wanted to. First, it was Portal. Ever since David made me listen to the credits song “Still Alive” I wanted to play that game, found out that my brother has it, played it and had lots of fun doing that. The cake is a lie. Nothing more to add to this. The only problem was that ever since I played that game, I desperately wanted to have some cake – and I was absolutely happy when I got a piece of real cake on Tuesday evening. Yay! ^^

After playing Portal, I was back to slaying monsters in “Viking: Battle for Asgard”, but that grew to be boring after a while. It’s a good distraction, anyway. But the day before yesterday, my brother made me try another X-Box game he is currently quite in favour of: Mass Effect. And that’s what got me hooked immediately.

I have to admit that I’m normally not quite in favour of sci-fi stuff. I rather prefer the old-fashioned monster-slaying with some stylish sword or whatever. But Mass Effect is quite interesting, too. Of course I modified the character’s appearance, and even though my characters normally look quite weird when I do that, I am actually proud this time. He doesn’t look weird at all, he’s rather… stylish. Rough. And I love those different versions you can choose there – the background story and the psychological profile, I mean. Now, here’s my Shepard:

He’s a colonist, meaning that he grew up on the colony Mindoir. When he was 16, some slave hunters attacked Mindoir and killed his family and friends; rescued by an alliance patrol, he signed up for the alliance military later, too. Concerning his psychological profile, he is quite unscrupulous – during his whole military career he stuck to one basic principle: the mission is to be completed at any cost. He is generally seen as being cold, calculating and brutal and is respected because of his ruthless efficiency. And failure is absolutely not an option for him. I remember one scene that I played yesterday: he met a former slave, a girl that had been kidnapped by the slave hunters during the same attack where he lost his friends and family. And she was confused, and asked him, talking about herself in the third person, “Why aren’t you broken like her? She is broken, why are you still so strong?” And his answer was self-evident: “Nobody breaks me.” Rawr.

I didn’t want to play a stereotype soldier, though; he’s an expert, a biotic specialist, so rather mage-type than soldier-type. At the moment, though, I’m still shooting down most of the things. And the story, I have to admit, is really quite interesting…

Of course, knowing that it’s me, I went for the bad guy in every aspect. In conversations, I’m always the “piss off, and if you get on my nerves you’re absolutely dead” type of guy, and I have lots of fun being a complete asshole to most of the people there. Except for one, of course, because my brother told me that there are two women you can kind of flirt with, Ashley and Liara. Ashley got on my nerves right from the beginning and she’s usually the one my character looks down on, and I had really lots of fun when I was like, “Do we have a problem?” – “Sir, during the whole mission, you doubted my competence!” – “Well, then prove to me that you actually have those competences and that you’re worthy of my trust.” Yay. Love him. Anyway, so there’s only Liara left, an alien, and even though it’s hard for me not to be the bad guy with her, it’s quite understandable that he’s nice to her because… well, she’s blue. My universal argument: she’s blue. And she’s cute. And much better than Ashley. I think I’m going to play it once again when I’m done with this, though, and see what it’s like to be the bad guy all the time. And the way he talks to people… absolutely gorgeous! The kind of guy who prefers to shoot first, and ask questions afterwards. He doesn’t like the idea of anybody questioning his competence, of anybody telling him what to do and he behaves accordingly, not talking to people who he thinks waste his time. I’m getting as many renegade points as possible and I am always disappointed when I, by accident, get some exemplary points. So here we are, the bad guy in every single aspect.

My Shepard, you see, is the typical character I really prefer. And I’m so much looking forward to playing him again. And that’s my latest distraction – and quite an interesting one, too. I’m already curious to see how the story proceeds.

Look into another world.

 Basically, I should be studying for my final exam in German on Tuesday. I’ve already read the notes I took on the books we read, noticed that I still know almost everything that’s written there, so I’m taking a break now and write this entry. Afterwards, I’ll have a look at the things I’m not familiar with – communication theory, stylistic devices and the different literary epochs. The same goes for tomorrow, and then I’ll write that exam. You can’t really do much for German, can you?

However, the past few weeks showed me how much I am going to miss role-playing when I move to the Netherlands in August, for three years, to do my Bachelor of Arts. I have to admit that in the past few months I had a hard time role-playing. I wasn’t able to fully concentrate on my character, I wasn’t able to fully appreciate what we were doing, it felt strange and I had a really hard time being creative enough. I felt more or less uncomfortable. I wasn’t able to emotionally connect with the happenings and the characters, and I think that this emotional connection should be the basis for good, real role-playing.

That changed in the past few weeks. I don’t know whether it’s because I don’t have to concentrate on school stuff anymore, or whether it is because I know what the future has in store for me (speaking of my studies in the Netherlands), or whether it’s something completely different, I don’t know. But the past few weeks were really emotional when it came to role-playing. I like to have my characters be exposed to extreme situations, physically and mentally, and it is very interesting to see how they react, what it feels like to be in such extreme situations. Of course I can’t have that all the time; I need to have a certain balance between “tavern-roleplaying”, meaning just playing my character in his everyday life (we like to do that a lot, too), and those adventurous, exciting situations. And for the moment, my regular group has achieved this balance; I’m already looking forward to playing again, even though we just played the irregular “parody” group (main focus: fun, fun, fun!) yesterday. I can’t wait to play again, seriously. I’m all crazy about it.

Where does that come from? When you don’t know what I’m talking about, all this sounds simply freaky and strange to you, and anyone who has never done role-playing doesn’t have a clue what the hell should be interesting about that. To me, the most attractive thing about role-playing is that you actually have to behave, think like someone else. Someone who has principles that are, probably, not your own, someone who thinks in ways you’d never think like in your everyday life, someone who is just entirely different from yourself. And you have to deal with that. You have to adapt to that different mentality and act accordingly. That is what makes role-playing extremely interesting to me. The other thing, of course, is that it is a means to spend your time in some “different reality” just for a few hours, to leave your everyday problems behind and be someone else instead. I’d rather think it’s a means to keep a healthy balance between creativity and real life and I wouldn’t want to miss that experience. And that has become obvious in the past few weeks. A lot. How much you connect with your character, emotionally, how much you are able to think about him/her. I like to have in-depth characters. Complex characters with a variety of reasons to act the way they act. I don’t want to play any “super-hero-people” simply because I wouldn’t feel comfortable with that. My characters do have their flaws, and are aware of most of them, and they have to deal with them nevertheless. And the more I play my character, the more I grow attached to him. I speak of Chakijian mostly because it’s the character I play most and on a regular basis, but that goes with my other characters just the same, normally. And it isn’t only reduced to the weekly role-playing group: when Annika and I sit together and start to have our in-character-conversations, that is awesome as well, and lots, lots of fun. There was a time when I had a hard time role-playing, there was even a whole year where I totally refused to play because I couldn’t get that role-playing feeling, but now I’m more attached to it than ever before, I guess. And I don’t know why.

But I do know that it’s one thing I am going to miss like hell. Not playing on a regular basis any longer, not having that balance. Only being able to play when I come back home for the holidays. Of course there might be a small chance that I can role-play in the Netherlands, too, but I strongly doubt that. At least not DSA – I think Dungeons&Dragons is much more popular with English-speaking people. But even if I had the chance to play there, it wouldn’t be the same. This role-playing group is simply unique and very special, I wouldn’t be able to find something similar to that, ever. The characters just belong together (even though they’re getting on each other’s nerves most of the time) and we, the players, belong together as well. It’s as simple as that.

But I guess that’s the toll it takes. At least I won’t have to give up role-playing forever. And that’s a good thing, isn’t it?

Off to the disturbing BaföG thing now, and then – joy, joy – a painkiller to get rid of my headaches. After that – communication theory, I suppose, and a quick look at stylistic devices. Keep it up!

Go for some change!

Here I am. I wanted change in my life, I wanted some new direction, I wanted to have plans for my future, and here I am.

Today, I had my personal interview at the Roosevelt Academy in Middelburg, which is in the Netherlands. It’s quite hard to get accepted, though, because they only accept 200 students each year and only 75 of them are from abroad, like me. Now, I had my personal interview with the Dean today and it went really well. I had lots, lots of fun talking to the Dean, we got along quite well and talked about so many different things, were engaged in philosophical discussions, and he also knew how to judge my character correctly – amazing. And then the final words, which were sort of obvious during the whole interview: “Let me congratulate you on becoming a student of Roosevelt Academy!” I got accepted. Amazing.

Now, what is this Roosevelt Academy about? It’s an internationally recognised university, the language of communication is English, there are more than 50 nationalities represented there, you live on campus together with people from all over the world, the academic program is not like the program you usually get – it’s much broader and not as limited as at normal universities, much more personal (e.g. there are classes not bigger than 25 people, you have a personal tutor, etc.)… it’s extremely cool, and just the right thing for me. It’s demanding, challenging, and just everything I would want to get from a university. I never thought it would be possible that I got accepted… and now I am. Accepted. Starting this year, in fall. =)

I’m damn excited, and still can’t really believe it. I’m extremely hyper, so I should return to my Guinness, have some fun and go to bed soon. A totally new course in my life, and I’m so much looking forward to it. Now I am much calmer and much more relaxed about everything – my final exams, etc., because I know what’s in store for me now. Finally.

First sign of life.

Shame. On. Me. The new year’s already three months old and I haven’t written anything at all. Sorry about that. Even now, my mind seems to be made up of just a series of incoherent thoughts, so don’t expect anything in-depth from me. There are only 8 days left at school, which is a good reason to be both enthusiastic and unmotivated. Then there will be my final exams end of April and in May, and then I’m done. Finished. And after next Friday, I’ll never have to see those motherfuckers – ahem, sorry, those lovely people from my school – again. Ever. Awesome feeling.

On the contrary, what I’ve also experienced the past few months is that it is really strange how strong a connection between you and people you hardly know, and will never see again, can be just because you all know that you have one tiny thing in common. Even though you don’t actually know them, don’t even know their names, but you feel that connection nevertheless. Strange, strange world.

For further notice, I’ve finally found a university that would just suit me perfectly, a university that would give me exactly what I want and need. It’s hard to get accepted, though, so keep your fingers crossed, please, all of you.

Last weekend was fun, so to say. Why? Because we had our “new” role-playing group on Saturday. Basically consisting of my regular group and two guys I’ve never met before. And of course I went totally crazy before because our “normal” location was too small for seven people, so we captured my living room. And I tend to be pretty hectic when there are people coming over I don’t know yet. But everything went fine – more than fine, actually. It was gorgeous. Brilliant. Absolutely awesome. We had lots of fun and it felt like we people had always played together for, like, ages. Time was flying so fast, and before we even noticed, it was 11:30pm – yes, pm, shortly before midnight, and that was when everyone left. And after tidying up a bit, I went to bed, totally happy and smiling all the time. And extremely hyper because we emptied, all in all, 6 litre of coke. So it was hard to get to sleep, but I was totally happy and couldn’t stop grinning and laughing. I haven’t had that much fun in ages. I like that group, and the characters, and the interaction. Love it. And I honestly can’t wait for the next time we play – even though that means that I’ll go all crazy like “Oh my god, people come over, I have to clean EVERYTHING and every little spot!”, although they wouldn’t be bothered by a bit of untidiness. But that’s just me.

My To-Do-List gets longer and longer and longer, and it never seems to become shorter, no matter what I do. I’ll have a presentation on Friday, and I need to finish the application for my favourite university very, very soon, and things like that. Longer, longer, longer, and I seem to get less and less of sleep. Right now I feel like dropping to bed and not waking up for several days, because that’s the amount of sleep I’d like to have restored.

But even though I’m currently at the kind of point again where I would like to sit down in a corner and hide from the rest of the world – or, if that’s not possible, go and shout at everyone who crosses my way -, I’m somewhat positive that it’ll all turn to something better. And if there’s nothing much to look forward to, I’m seriously looking forward to role-playing.

To hell with it?

I’m feeling rather poorly – still. The whole thing started a week or so ago and I had hoped that it would get better by itself. Being sick is totally out of question for me usually – I have a pretty good immune system and hardly get sick at all. But recently, basically everyone was ill in some way or another – I was surrounded by stomach flu and severe colds and shingles and finally ended up with some sort of a flu, I guess. At times I could barely speak, I’m coughing all the time, and the worst thing about it is that I usually wake up by 5 or 6 in the morning and can’t get back to sleep because of my very disturbing headaches. Of course I’m not the kind of girl who goes to see a doctor very often (which seems to upset some of my friends a lot) because everything takes care of itself and I get better by simply trying to ignore it. Didn’t work this time, though, and finally my father, as well as Sonja and Bertina talked me into going to see the doctor. That wasn’t much of a problem, since I was awake early in the morning anyway… -.-

The result is, however, that I’m on antibiotics now, and on two or three other kinds of medicine, and got stronger painkillers which finally work. Good thing about it: it should be better soon. According to my doc.
Bad thing about it: my doc also made it clear that partying on New Year’s Eve will be totally out of question for me – she told me to stay in bed or on the sofa most of the time, take my medicine and take as much rest as I can.
Very bad thing about it: I was so looking forward to going to Bertina’s party on New Year’s Eve ever since she mentioned it a month ago, but instead of partying, my New Year’s Eve will be boring and lonely. I was looking quite forward to spending New Year’s Eve with most of my friends. But since I’m still infectious, that’s probably not a very good idea… Life just sucks sometimes.
Of course, I won’t stay home on New Year’s Eve – unless I don’t have the strength to walk around anymore. When I’m sick, I rarely make a fuss about it, and instead of sitting there feeling sorry for myself, I always need to do something. I haven’t been able to do much the past few days, though, which was kind of frustrating. Anyway, my mom’s gonna have raclette on New Year’s Eve, so I’ll probably go over and have some. I love raclette, with all those little pans and you can be so flexible and… well, and most importantly of course, I won’t have to spend my time completely alone. Only parts of it.

As I said, I hate doing nothing, especially when I’m sick because I always have the feeling that it shouldn’t be that bad, and that I shouldn’t be such a wimp and do something nevertheless. Half an hour ago, all of a sudden, I was so furious about being sick that I had a go at tidying up the kitchen very radically, so tomorrow will be started with the dishwasher being put on. It already looks a lot tidier now, even though it was just a matter of a few minutes. I am very confused about the things I can find in our kitchen. But it does look tidier, I’ll clean it up properly tomorrow and I suppose I’ll shout at anyone who’s trying to turn it into a mess again. Someone has to do it, after all.

It would be nice if that sudden motivation stayed for another few days – that way, I’d have something to do on New Year’s Eve, too, when everyone is out partying and drinking lots of alcohol, while I am left with only my medicine to hug.

So, in a way: Always look on the bright side of life! =)

Typical.

It’s Christmas – and I’m pretty sick. That’s so typical of me, getting sick in my holidays when I’m actually supposed to relax. When I woke up yesterday, I could only whisper, but since I had an important appointment that day, I fed on cough syrup, cough sweets and tea the whole morning. It was a little better after that. And this morning I woke up pretty early, at 6am, and couldn’t get back to sleep, so I thought I might as well give a life sign again.

It’s actually the same as last year. I’m still not particularly fond of the whole Christmas fuss, some people would probably be right to call me a Grinch, and the past few days have been quite hectic. This year was last-minute Christmas shopping – I usually hate that, because everyone, in all shops, is so hectic about basically everything. However, I got the last presents yesterday and after a long, brave fight with wrapping paper (I suck at wrapping presents!), they are all – more or less nicely – wrapped up and covering my floor. At least those I need to have this evening.

I’ll spend today, Christmas Eve, at my mother’s, just like usually; this time, however, I’ll go there a little earlier because I want to help her with the cooking. My mom’s the best cook ever and I guess if I help her with it, there’s a lot I can learn from her. =) After dinner (we’ll have Turkey!) we will throw dice for presents; the tradition I’ve introduced at Christmas some years ago. Everyone gets a dice, the dice are thrown in turn, and when you get a 6, you’re allowed to take your first present. When you get the next 6, you’re also allowed to open it.
That makes Christmas much more exciting than the usual opening of presents is. And it takes quite a lot of time, too.

Apart from that, I’ve been able to deal with a few things I had to do, but always avoided to do, so that now I’m moving a little forward, speaking of some mental things. But things are also getting serious by now: we got our reports last Friday, and now only the pre-final exams (and my last Spanish exam) are left – and then it’s getting really serious. I still have three presentations to prepare for sometime after the holidays, and I am also supposed to continue the timeline I’m doing with Sonja for History.
There are only a few months left until my very final exams and somehow, I don’t seem to be able to catch up with most things. Everything’s going by in such a rush, there are so many things to do…

Unnecessary as it was, instead of trying to relax at least the first few days of my holidays, I sat down Friday, when I came back from work (I give private lessons four times a week), and set up a long, long To Do list, which is kind of demotivating to look at. But I managed to cross out quite a few things already…

Anyway. I basically just wanted you to know that I am, indeed, still alive, even though I’m rather coughing all the time. I think I’ll make myself some tea now, and then, perhaps, I’ll get back to sleep – or at least trying to. I usually can’t fall asleep again once I’ve woken up properly.
And I still have to read “Moon Palace” for my English course. Anyone there who has read it? By now, I’m not really enthusiastic about it…

Merry Christmas to all of you!

Winter Downs?

Haven’t written anything in a long time, yes, I know. The past few months have been exhausting, the past few weeks have been even worse. School starts to feel awkward – last Wednesday I took the last Maths exam in my whole life (which is a shame, because doing Maths is always comparable to an emotional holiday for me). Because I only have it as fourth subject in the final exams, my last Maths exam will only be oral. All in all, a strange feeling. There are preparations from all sides already – our Abizeitung committee is working a lot, for example; since I’m a member of it, I have to know that. I’m responsible for the quotes that will appear in our Abizeitung, and putting them all together, sorting them out and selecting the final ones is pretty hard. Apart from this, Sonja and I have been busy the past few Sundays preparing a timeline for History so we can learn with it properly later on. There’s still a lot of work to do about it, and it’s quite exhausting, but I suppose it’ll really be worth the effort eventually. My father and I sat together today to find out how much BaFöG I’d probably get for studying at university – which makes me worry about how to go on after school. And just whenever I have a look at my calendar, I see that time is running too fast for me to catch up with. I already know the dates for my final examinations and already knowing that makes me feel awkward and scared – not scared of the exams, but of what’s to come afterwards.

My mind has been working very slowly the past few weeks, and yet, right at the lowest point of my motivation and strength, I’m caught right in the middle of another exam phase. Next week, there’ll be my two LK exams, the week after, there’ll be my History exam, and the week after that, Philosophy. And, frightening as that sounds, that’s it. Then there’ll be the “pre-final exams” and then… the final ones. Makes me feel a little uneasy.

The past few weeks have been very exhausting, emotionally speaking. I haven’t slept properly for what appears to be ages, I’m worrying my head off about all sorts of very personal things, and my emotional strength seems to have drained away somewhere where I can’t conjure it up from anymore. I try to keep up with things, with life, with myself, but I’m not quite able to. There’s simply no motivation left for anything, and I’ve put up a “I-don’t-care-attitude” concerning most things. I’m tired all the time because it’s hard to wake up properly when it’s still dark outside, and as it gets dark so early again, my inner clock seems to be some hours ahead all the time. It’s cold outside, and I don’t like it when it’s cold.

And I’m not even creative. I haven’t written anything in a long time, and there’s again that hole inside of me that’s always there when I can’t write, when I have such a writer’s block. At least I’m still able to read, although my mind doesn’t seem to be able to focus on things for more than a few minutes. And I’m only rarely able to listen to music.

Anyway. I’ve learned not to simply sit around feeling blue when something like that happens and everything seems to be closing in on me. Unfortunately, at the moment, I don’t have much strength left to do anything about it. Only a month left, then there’ll be the winter break. And in case I won’t have recovered mentally by then, I’ll be able to relax, finally, during that break.

And, apart from this, there are also things to look forward to. If everything goes well and I’ll be able to get enough money for it, I’ll go to Ireland or Scotland for a few days next year, together with my cousin, simply in order to have a rest from basically everything. Then there’s university, although there’ll be that annoying question of the money – I’m trying to put that out of my head for the time being, focusing on the positive things about it and putting that problem up for further consideration, later, when I’m at a point where I’ll be able to think about it, finding solutions. And I’ll get lots of new books in the future, just like that. So there are some things to keep my head up, after all.

But for all of those who I’ve neglected in the past few weeks – speaking of your comments, your messages, emails, whatever – I’m awfully sorry, but I can’t do much about it at the moment. I’m very busy keeping my life rolling somehow. At the moment, I still have to write an essay for Philosophy which I’m stuck with; I have to prepare presentations, homework, exams, and I have to distract my mind from some personal matters as well – feelings I don’t want to have, feelings I shouldn’t have, stuff like that.

I’ll get back to you when I have more time. I promise.

Of monsters and polar tigers…

What I am supposed to be doing: study for the German exam (i.e. reading that horrible book), clean my room, do my homework, etc. etc.

What I would really like to be doing: play “The Witcher”, read (Terry Pratchett, of course), watch some movies or some more Stargate Atlantis episodes, continue writing the Etain-Insane-thing…

What I am actually doing: panicking and writing this blog entry…

So, it seems that I’m very fascinated with “The Witcher” at the moment. Amazing game, although (or perhaps because) it keeps me from doing more important stuff (like working for school, studying for exams and the like) basically all the time. My constant “Oh, just that one quest and I’ll tend to other matters” basically always results in noticing, a few hours later, that it wasn’t just “that one quest” – or, perhaps, that it actually was. Also promises like “Only one hour, and then something different”… ah, well, they just don’t seem to work well with me. That game is far too fascinating. Even though I finished it for the second time now, it’s so much different.

Now, that’s one aspect why I like that game so much: it’s different. Your decisions change everything and it’s never quite the same. Geralt’s character is never quite the same, either. That’s what makes it so interesting. Unlike in other games, this character has so much depth and so many layers to him – and it’s fun finding out more about those layers.

I play “my” Geralt with a certain concept in mind. My Geralt isn’t just a plain monster slayer and that’s just it. Not at all…

Geralt is a witcher, alright. He came to Kaer Morhen at an early age and went through all those stages and mutations, sacrificing a lot there for the sake of witcher’s abilities. I doubt he had much of a choice back then. For the sake of being a witcher, he had to give up quite a lot – fertility, for instance. Being part of society, being accepted by others, not having many to trust in. Leading his dangerous witcher life, he’s isolated most of the time, rather a loner than anything else, to put it bluntly: he’s alone, basically. Having seen so much in life, and having taken so many lives, he’s really down-to-earth and realistic, pragmatic. His view on life isn’t distorted by any illusions, quite to the contrary. He’s also rather jaundiced and adorably sarcastic, and in many regards very reckless! (He got just my sense of humour, and that’s really great. ^^) And he doesn’t believe in destiny, he made that quite clear. He believes that man forges his own destiny and that he’s responsible for all his actions… He made that clear to the Lady of the Lake.

However, my Geralt is also a man of principles. He was raised by witchers and, naturally, adopted their principles (unlike, say, Berengar…) Meaning: yes, he kills monsters and stuff like that for money. Of course, if there’s a way to lift a curse instead of killing the monster, that’s always the better alternative, even though it consumes more strength and is probably more dangerous. (Just think of the striga quest. Would have been much, much easier to just kill Adda, but instead, I decided to lift the sword. And, hey, I got an amazing sword as a reward!) And Vincent… well, there was the chance of lifting his curse too, right? He had to think of that. And after all, he knew that Vincent wasn’t evil or anything. Plus, it would’ve hurt Carmen had he killed him. So lifting the curse, although it resulted in running around a lot, was the better alternative, too. Sometimes there’s a human side to his decisions, after all, although I’m trying to keep that low since my Geralt tries not to involve anyone too much. He rather goes for neutrality, but sometimes making decisions can’t be avoided, and that’s where it becomes really interesting.

The Scoia’tael. Yes, he supported them. Trying not to get involved in those political matters most of the time, he basically has no choice all the time – at least in my opinion. He was openly advanced by the Order of the Flaming Rose and the Scoia’tael, and decided to help the latter. Why? First of all, because he didn’t like the Order of the Flaming Rose – he’s definitely not religious and they want to impose their belief upon everyone, and they’re way too fanatic and pseudo-honourable. Religion instead of reason, that’s why he didn’t choose them. (Take the Reverend, for example. Such a bastard. I really didn’t like him.) Another reason for supporting the Scoia’tael was that they are outsiders, not accepted in society, just like Geralt. They are confronted with prejudices all the time and people only tolerate them when they are useful. And only temporarily. I suppose Geralt can identify with them much better because he’s treated just the same. People don’t like him, but tolerate him because he makes sure the monsters that threaten them are more likely to be dead monsters in a very near future. But basically, people don’t accept him. He’s treated more like a monster than a human, anyway, and since he’s not entirely human due to mutation, he probably feels he doesn’t belong to them either. Now, I don’t like elves on general principles, but the knights from that fanatic Order of the Flaming Rose pissed me off even more. Plus, I didn’t like Siegfried. I really didn’t like the way he talked and clearly didn’t want to have anything more to do with him than necessary. And White Rayla… well, nothing to say about her. Such an arrogant bitch. Another reason for not supporting the Order… And De Aldersberg… well. “Fanatic madman” is the best term that describes him, I guess.

But despite all those things, Geralt is lonely. He would like to have someone by his side, someone who cares and someone who loves him, even though he knows that a working relationship isn’t quite possible. With that charisma he has, he sleeps with many women, of course, but he actually needs some woman who truly loves him.

Now, playing it for the second time, that’s Shani. When I first played the game, I decided on Triss and… well, Shani was quite pissed and never talked to Geralt again, which was a shame really. But thinking about it, I came to the conclusion that Shani probably fits Geralt better than Triss. Triss is… I mean, she’s attractice. Okay. But that’s about it. Shani is much more emotional and… well, she’s just cool. When I first saw her, I was all like “OH MY GOD HOW CUTE IS THAT?!” and she’s just a pretty little thing. And she’s quite the opposite to Geralt: she actually cares about people and doesn’t want anyone to get hurt (as a medic, that’s kind of understandable), while Geralt is usually the one responsible for others getting hurt. However, I guess she’s really the kind of woman Geralt needs: full of spirits and emotional, and very open towards others, and about her emotions as well. Even though she’s seen a lot of war, too…

So: my Geralt fell in love with Shani, at least that’s what he thinks. But despite his longing for her, and despite his hoping for a life with Shani by his side, he’s also realistic enough as to realize that this might be impossible, leading a normal life. He can’t have children of his own anyway, and he made quite clear that Shani probably deserves better than him. Not someone like him who travels the world risking his neck for a few coins…

I could write so much more about him, but I got so many things to do… When I play it next time (I’ll get the Enhanced Edition, after all, so I’ll have to play it again) my concept of the character will probably change slightly and that’s going to be more interesting, too.

Should I say something about the monsters? Well. I really don’t like the drowners, or the drowned dead. I mean, they’re easy to kill, that’s right, and that’s a little boring, but it’s actually quite annoying when you walk through the swamps and suddenly some drowners attack. Because those drowners – they never come alone. No! Why should they? There are at least two drowners at once, more likely around five or more, and they also bring their friends, the bloodzuigers! Bloodzuigers – you know, those fat things that explode when you kill them, and sputter some acid that hurts you if you don’t run away fast enough? The best situation I had was the following: I was fighting some drowners, and two bloodzuigers. Killed one bloodzuiger, it exploded and sputtered its acid, thereby killing the other bloodzuiger which also exploded, and its acid killed the drowners. I was sitting in front of the computer and was all like “WTF was that?!” And with that drowner-repelling amuelet I got, they always run away before I can kill them, and that’s quite… annoying. So to say.

I love the end, though. It’s such a stylish ending, really! Abso-fucking-lutely beautiful, to say it with Geralt’s words…

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Apart from that – anything new with me? Well, I’m having a lot of stress at the moment, school and stuff like that; I’ll have my two LK exams next week and I should actually start to prepare for German, which will be on Tuesday. And I still have to read about 50 pages. I just can’t get myself motivated enough to actually read it. Horrible. – Apart from that, however, it’s okay right now and I’m sure I’ll be fine as soon as things calm down a bit (meaning, as soon as next week is over; I’ll have some weeks of not-doing-anything-much following then). I’ve felt much, much better ever since I broke up with my ex-boyfriend and I’m actually quite happy to close that chapter in my life. Nothing I’d really like to remember there. Anyway, I’m happy the way it is now. Nothing more to say about this. A closed chapter, really.

Now to get on with that horrible book I have to read for the German exam… *sigh*