Wind of change?

The bad thing about writing this is that I am deliberately procrastinating my homework, simply by writing this. But, ah, well, it’s going to be a long night anyway, I already realized that much, so those few extra minutes won’t kill me any more than that.

I spent the weekend in Germany, again, and for the fun part, I met quite a few people on Saturday – Sonja, first of all; I was really happy that she happened to be in our hometown that weekend, too, since she moved to Aachen (together with Plewis and Bertina). Even though we just saw each other for two hours, it was really great to see her again. I’ve missed her so much. Of course I’ve also missed the others, and I’m really dying to see Plewis and Bertina again. Having no Plewis around on a daily basis means there’s nobody to get on my nerve’s that special way, and nobody who could deal with my mood swings so “easily” – or, at least, who didn’t complain too much when confronted with just another mood swing. Even though people who see us together proabably think we absolutely hate each other, considering the amount of insults we throw at each other (and considering the fun we have doing that!), and, naturally, our perfectly matching sarcasm/cynism, we do not hate each other. (But, of course, we’d never say that. ) I took that for granted for the past few years, but now I really have to think about skyping him, just in order to have a “Plewis feeling”. There’s nobody around here who can so perfectly make me mad. And there’s nobody around here who I can deal with that way. “Are you here by car?” – “Yes.” – “Great. Thanks for offering to driving me home.” – “…” In my Christmas break, I will most definitely pay a visit to that chaos flat share, just to drive everyone crazy and have a “good old times” feeling. Maybe. We’ll see. And Bertina – well, I definitely miss our writing-together-moments. And our other moments. So much, basically.

Then it was off to my darling, my very best friend, and I had been so damn looking forward to that. ♥ Of course, we were as crazy as usually. No, I’m not going to say what kind of stupid things we did. No, I’m not going to say what kind of weird video clips we watched on youtube. But it felt so good just to be hugged again. Too bad that I had to leave just when she had started to read the beginning of a chapter to me, now I’m really eager to know what’s going on there. But I’ll find out. Hex ftw! ^___^

After that, it was a quick visit to my roleplaying group (which was roleplaying at that time, but took a break for me). At least some of my roleplaying people; I’ve seen the others last weekend, so now I’ve had a healthy amount of roleplaying atmosphere to feel good again. Which just made me realize how much I miss roleplaying, and how much I’d love to do it here, too. Roleplaying is just something very special, and, indeed, you could say that I am homesick for Aventurien. I feel like playing my major character again, Chakijian… or, which would also be cool, Seljida, just because she’s cool. Arijian would, naturally, also be a good way to distract myself. I really feel like playing or writing any of them, but – ah, I can’t, too bad. Already looking forward to Christmas break, when I will (hopefully!) be able to play at least one of them again. I remember quite well that there was to be an “interesting” meeting between Jabez, Seljida, Chakijian and Dianthis – I’ve been looking forward to that ever since it was planned, months ago, so hopefully we’ll be able to get that done in the Christmas break.

And then – Franzi came over, and considering that I haven’t seen her since prom (which was 3 or 4 months ago), and that she hadn’t been able to update me on the happenings back then, she had lots, lots of stuff to tell me; so generally, we had to update each other about the past few months in our lives, which was very interesting. Especially since we suddenly decided that we wanted to have popcorn and actually went out to buy some – just in order to have some popcorn. Never mind that it’s not healthy, we just had to do that. I still have some left and I’m enjoying it right now.

Apart from that, I noticed that, for some reason, I sleep worse at home (in Germany) than here, in Middelburg – I wouldn’t have thought that. Perhaps it’s because of that cool L-shaped room here: as I tend to be paranoid at times and don’t like to turn my back to doors or sleep with my back to them, that naturally happens quite a lot at home. But here, my bed is out of sight of the door. I’m sure that’s not the only reason, but it might be one of them.

But, still, I’m struggling to get myself up again, to get myself working again. I couldn’t work the past few weekends (because I was in Germany, and don’t have time to study there because I have to meet people!), and since my stepmom died, I couldn’t focus on homework the two following days, and that’s why I have a whole lot to catch up with and don’t know how to manage all of this without getting a crazy lack of sleep again, like sometime last week. I’ll probably find a way – if I don’t let myself get distracted by my laptop again. I tend to have a hard time to focus on stuff right now because my thoughts keep wandering, and it’s extremely strange to just go on as if nothing was wrong. But – I’ll manage even that, I’m quite confident about that. Somehow. Just need to catch a healthier amount of sleep one of these days.

And now it’s back to Literary Studies. Seriously, my fingers are itching for writing something creative right now – something Auden-ish or even Chakijian-ish. I’d like to write something with my Star Trek character, too, but I doubt I’d be very much like a Vulcan right now. I need to be able to think more if I have to write something with him. But I’m collecting ideas, and if there’s something useful at some point, I’ll definitely use it – I so much want to get into my characters again! Creative writing has always helped a lot when I cannot focus on things, so it would be definitely worth it. I’ll see what the next days bring – perhaps a few short stories, perhaps a few poems, or nothing at all? You never know.

And now it’s back to reading stuff…

Entering Week 4

Wohooo, week 4 already? My, how time flies… I mean, seriously.

I’m only writing this because I can’t focus on studying right now. In fact, I don’t even have time for writing this, since there is so much work to do, but just for those who want to be updated (I know that’s not many people), I will take the time.

What’s going on here? Apart from studying – not much, and even that isn’t something I can manage properly. The immense workload that I had to experience in the first week only increased (naturally), meaning that apart from presentations and normal homework (i.e. preparation for class), there are essays coming up, tests, exams, you name it. And since I didn’t go to university for two days due to personal problems and had to go back to Germany for the last weekend (and also for the next weekend), I didn’t get to do as much as I would have wanted to – and would have needed to, since weekends are my “study time”. So I have to catch up with a crazy amount of reading and despite working until some time at night, I am still way behind. It’s fun reading for Literary Studies and Anthropology, but it’s also a lot. And I really mean a lot. Of course there are also fun parts, non-study parts of my life here – house dinners, hanging out with my new friends, and the committees, of course, and I’m quite happy that I get this distraction. I would still like to have a 30-hours day, though. Since I hardly ever get to bed before 1am, I am constantly tired and speaking for today and yesterday, I even managed to fall asleep while doing my reading for Anthropology. I mean, seriously, Anthropology, my favourite subject? I could’ve understood it if it had been Linguistics, but falling asleep while reading Anthropology is quite bad. Not to mention that falling asleep while reading is bad anyway. I seem to have quite a huge sleep deficit and I definitely need to get some more sleep, I know that.

Apart from that, everything’s great here. I even go so far as to say that I actually like it, the workload and the challenge and everything, that’s why I’m here, after all. I simply have to get used to it. I totally fell for Anthropology, though, and I’ll definitely take that in the next semesters, too. I love it. Always look forward to it.

I have to take a test in Linguistics tomorrow, so I’ll just have a look at my notes and then I’m off to bed. Even before midnight, wohooo! Of course I should rather do some reading, but I know that unless I get more sleep, I will hardly be able to focus on that. So let’s say I just sleep for, say, 8 hours, then I still have the whole Wednesday for studying and reading. And that’s not so bad, either. I just have to get a system, determining how to work with everything, and then I’ll do fine. Getting into a rhythm and getting some more balance might definitely take some more weeks, but then I will manage quite fine, I suppose.

But I love it here. Seriously, I do. Middelburg is just amazing, the instructors are great, my tutor is awesome, and of course the other students are extremely nice as well. I feel at home here, and that’s the most important thing, even though I’m constantly stressed out, and constantly tired.

Student Life

Another week has passed, and while the first week I spent here was my introduction week, in other words, some sort of the time between being a highschool student and being a university student (some kind of the liminal phase, to speak in anthropological terms), my second week was my first week as a “real student” from the moment I’ve sat in my very first class, Literary Studies. I have four courses – Literary Studies, English Linguistics, English for Academic Purposes and Anthropology -, and of each of these courses I have two sessions à two hours per week. My schedule is quite nice (apart from Tuesdays) and generally I’m very satisfied with my courses.

However, even though I hate to say that, I think I have underestimated what’s actually going on here.

I don’t want to say that I can’t manage, because I can, but especially in this first week, I was extremely exhausted. Practically all the time. I like the way everything is organised here, with the course manual on workspaces and so on, but I seriously underestimated the workload that was coming up. I merely shook my head at the phrase “For this course, you’ll need to have at least 10 hours of preparation at home!”, but now I know that such statements are actually true. Already in the first week, there was so much reading to do that I could hardly catch up with it. Ironically, the most interesting course – Anthropology – requires an enormous amount of reading, but I do it gladly since I am really interested in it. I don’t mean to say that I am not interested in the other courses, but generally speaking, the first week was very intense, much more intense than I had imagined. I already had to do a homework that will be graded, and I already had to sign up for a presentation. Again, in Anthropology. We will have weekly presentations in Anthropology, always in groups of 2 oder 3 people, and I signed up for the presentation that is due on next Friday since I figured that I’d better get my presentation done now, at the beginning, instead of waiting with it until everything becomes much more complicated and I have even more work to do for the other courses, with exams, essays, presentations and stuff like that. Meaning that I’ll meet with Miroslav, the guy I Bulgarian I have to do the presentation with, on Sunday so that we can prepare it. I would have preferred it if my weekend was off so that I could just relax, but that won’t be possible – after all, I still have loads of stuff to read, most of which I will try to get done tomorrow. At the moment, I’m very stressed out and extremely exhausted, but at the same time I like it. This is exactly what I came here for – work hard and be rewarded for that – and in the end I know that I deserve that reward, unlike the lousy highschool attitude – not doing and not caring much and simply getting everything done as I walk on. This is “real” and I like it. I just have to get used to the challenge I signed up for. I will. And I already know now that this has been the perfect decision for me. I’ll need to get used to doing some time management, though, which seems to be a big issue for practically everyone in here. I already had to do some “night reading” (staying up until 1am to get my reading done), but I certainly can’t do that very often.

My instructors are really nice, though. Amazing people, seriously, and so very skilled! You can’t say that about most of the teachers I had at highschool. Of course some of them were highly skilled as well, but they were rather exceptions than rules. From all I’ve seen here, it’s exactly the other way round at my university and I’m happy about that.

I had planned to spend tonight reading at least one essay I have to read for my English class, but I decided to spend the evening with lovely Anna – doing some grocery shopping, cooking and, finally (thanks to her room mate who had the right cable) watching Sweeney Todd. (Oh my God, Johnny Depp!) That was exactly the thing I needed after such an exhausting, demanding week. Some distraction until I can start again tomorrow, hopefully with enough energy.

Apart from that, I’m happy that my internet finally started working last Monday, so I have continuous access to internet again and don’t have to go to the university buildings in order to check my emails. Which makes everything a lot easier.

And for something completely different: I’m totally into an old character of mine again, a woman (a killer, in fact) called Bastet. I’m so eager to write something about her again! Perhaps I will, once I have enough time and creativity left. Just a small scene, just some thoughts, just something to get that character back again. I hadn’t thought about her for quite a while and now she’s back again, all of a sudden. One of the most balanced characters I’ve ever had, in fact. I think at some point, I might go through some old stories I’ve written together with my best friend, just checking out stuff, just sensing this feeling of creativity again that I can feel every time I read one of those pieces.

But that will have to wait until at least tomorrow, since I will go to bed now. Get some sleep. Sleep in tomorrow, which is the most important thing about this weekend. And then getting some work done.

First week of my “new life”.

Last week, I moved to the Netherlands, to Middelburg, one of the most beautiful towns I’ve ever seen, seriously. It went quite smoothly, moving my stuff here – my room (I live in a 10-persons-house) is gorgeous, very spacious; however, I brought too many things, meaning there are still unpacked boxes in the corner, and I don’t have a desk, which sucks. Since I had to spend 250 euros on books for the university, and had to pay my rent, and still have to pay tuition fees, I will not have enough money to buy one, either, so I’ll just have to do without for the first few months and simply work on the bed. That’ll be quite fine, too.

My housemates are quite nice, as far as I’ve noticed, and I really feel at home here. I still have to get used to having people around all the time, though, and it’ll probably take some time until I no longer wake up just because somebody banged a door. My room is right next to the washing machine and the dryer, too, and when they’re on, my bed is shaking. That’s kind of weird, too, but I’ll have to live with that – I don’t want to move my bed because where it is now is practically the perfect place for it.

I’ve already met loads of new people during the introduction week, mostly Dutch people of course, and I’m generally simply enjoying myself. I got my schedule on Wednesday and got to know my tutor then, too; I didn’t get into any Philosophy course this semester, though, which sucks. I have two other courses which I didn’t want to have, but which sound quite cool, too (Literary Studies and English Linguistics), then, of course, I have English for Academic Purposes and Anthropology (which I wanted to have). I’m quite happy with my schedule, too. The only thing that really sucks is that I still do not have internet in my room; I don’t know why, but I alraedy contacted the IT Helpdesk yesterday and hope that they’ll be able to do something about it eventually.

In fact, so much happened last week, but I cannot tell you all of it; it’s just too much. So for the time being, let’s just say that I am having a great time here, and that I am already looking forward to starting my studies tomorrow.

Countdown

Only two weeks to go. I’m going to move to the Netherlands on August 20th, have to be there at 11:30 to receive my keys, and then I’m out of here. Only a few days to get used to the surroundings and people – then, in the week of August 24th, there will be my introduction week and after that my studies start. I’m pretty excited. The thing that is actually getting on my nerves is the fact that apart from the inventory of my room, I don’t know anything about it – not even the size. I didn’t even get it when I asked for it and that… sucks. So it’s pretty much a hit-or-miss-affair, speaking of the furniture I bought. We’ll see… I have a bed, and the house has a washing machine and a coffee machine – probably the most essential things to survive as a student

However, I started packing today. I guess you never actually realize how much (useless) crap you have until you’re moving. Speak alone of the clothes! I’m glad I won’t have to move out completely - my “first residence” is here in Germany, the apartment belongs to my dad anyway, so I keep my room here. Which is a good thing – I can’t even decide which books I am to leave here and which I am to take with me. I never realized I have so many books. Seriously. So the “most important things” have to come with me, which is practically most of the stuff. And I probably won’t have enough space for it anyway. But I’ll have to see about that.

Things are rushing, as it seems. Time goes by so fast. Friday and Saturday will be the last opportunity for my more-or-less-regular DSA roleplaying group and, hopefully, we’ll be able to at least try one plot of the Star Trek RPG next weekend. (My character is a Vulcanian diplomat and I already like him – a lot!) Then, of course, I’ll have to meet a few friends next week, too, before moving out. The next time I will be here in Germany regularly will be when the fall semester is finished, in December. But first I’ll have to go the Netherlands in the first place – and there are more things to manage than I expected. I guess I won’t have time to update the journal before the 20th, so expect to hear something from me once I’ve settled in

And, by the way, I got my tattoo on Monday. And I’m loving it! =)

Moving on

Okay, here we go, just a quick update on my life in general
So… Life is finally moving on for me: last month, I officially graduated from my school (with prom and stuff like that, which was quite fun considering that I can’t dance, but forced a friend of mine to dance with me anyway), and since then I have spent most of the time relaxing, reading, doing housework, roleplaying, having personal problems and being, at times, seriously bored. I spent a weekend learning the basics of Dutch, which is a really weird language… And I’ve been busy throwing away most of my old school stuff; I only have a few more folders to sort out, then I have so much more space…
And at the same time, there is so much to do, still. I’ll move out next month, from Germany to the Netherlands, and I still haven’t heard anything from my college concerning my room, so I haven’t been able to plan anything concerning furniture, etc. However, I already have a Dutch bank account, and every time I drive to my future hometown-for-three-years, I love it even more than the time before. I went there last time on a really sunny day and it was simply gorgeous, considering that the weather in Germany was incredibly hot and humid and in the Netherlands – at least where my college is located – it was hot, but with a nice breeze to make up for it. I’m already really curious about studying there and I’m pretty sure that it’ll be a challenging, but fun time. Of course it’s much of a change and I feel weird whenever I think about not seeing my friends every day any longer, but that will be okay, too, I guess, even though I’ll miss them like hell.

I’ve also spent the past few weeks being incredibly creative together with Annika, simply because we started to write many, many stories about our roleplay characters. I guess I haven’t been that creative in a very long time

For further notice, I still don’t have a camera, so still don’t expect any photos soon. I’d buy one, but since I’m gonna get a tattoo in a couple of weeks and have to save some money for the time in the Netherlands, that’s not an option any time soon. Sorry about that!

But all in all, life is moving on, and that’s a positive thing at least. I’ll return to the book I’m reading now, and see if anything interesting is about to happen today.

Re-discovering a passion

So it’s a week since learning was officially finished for me; a week that I spent on the balcony most of the time (yes, I do have several sunburns, but it’s quite worth it), reading; a week in which I simply enjoyed myself, and a week in which I found out how much I missed reading, since that was what I spent practically all my time with.

Reading. Reading has made up a major part of my life, a major part of my personality, my creativity. When I was younger, I spent practically all my time reading, drowning in all those books, all those words, disappearing into those strange worlds. I have to admit that I neglected reading in the past time, when I was too busy with school and personal problems. I’m not saying I didn’t have the time to read. I did have the time (seeing that I only started to actually study in the past few months), but not the strength, the motivation, to actually do so. There was constantly something else on my mind, I couldn’t really focus on the words for long (especially when they were written in German), and there was the continuous feeling that I should be doing something else than reading, and so I did. My head was so full with all sorts of things that I couldn’t concentrate on books any longer, that I didn’t have the ability to “let go” and simply read. And in the past few days, I noticed how much I had missed that “reading” feeling.

What an amazing feeling it is to let go of all the things around you, to let your imagination work, to switch into a different reality entirely, seeing, thinking from a different perspective, enjoying yourself. Those past few days actually were quite amazing, as they brought something back to me that meant so much to me. I haven’t read that much in… months, I guess, even though I wanted to. One moment, you’re in Paris (Claudine geht by Colette), the next moment you’re in Nazi Germany and look through the eyes of Death (The Book Thief, which I read this weekend and finished just half an hour ago), and then, the next second, you’re on the Discworld (Moving Pictures, which I am currently reading). All this within one week. Amazing. I love that reading feeling.

The Book Thief, however, really astonished me. I’ve read quite a few books, really, but this is one of the books that are really unputdownable. Brilliantly written, simply amazing, with so many emotions, so much meaning. I was surprised, sometimes, that I had tears in my eyes when I was reading, and I seriously couldn’t put the book down. About 250 todays, about 250 pages yesterday, and some pages on the day before that. I’m still quite overwhelmed by that beauty.

I also realized, though, that I read more slowly now; seems I’ve lost my “practice”. I still read considerably fast, but not as fast as I am used to. So I’ll go now and improve my pace, and I’ll have a great time on the Discworld.

The end of this chapter…

Finished, once and for all. I had my oral exam today (Maths) – I seriously dislike exponential functions and was rather prepared for “my” topic, which was polynomials, and I especially hate exponential functions in a context, and that was exactly what I got, so I was panicking already when I had a look at the task – and, of course, speaking of exponential functions, I got confused and did quite a few sign errors, especially since it’s hard for me to keep a clear overview when I have to do something on the blackboard. The second half was much better – vector analysis – and even though I sometimes miscalculated stuff (due to me being too stupid for proper mental arithmetic – what do I have my awesome calculator for when I don’t use it, anyway?) it was alright. So, I got my result almost two hours later and what can I see – I actually managed to do 12 points (2+) – even with such a stupid exponential function! Now, how cool is that? A friend of mine drove me home afterwards, and everything’s cool for me right now.

I basically spent the last days on the balcony, doing Maths with a friend of mine, in the sunshine, with too much of chocolate and cake, but that was just necessary. I actually have a sunburn from doing Maths and I generally keep thinking about normal things in mathematical terms – so it really was about time that I had this oral exam, and that I am finally done. We’re going to get our written results on June 12th, then we will get to know whether we will have to do an additional exam, but I seriously doubt that in my case. So, anyway, I’m actually “free” now. I’ll head for my mum’s soon, having lunch, and in the evening I have to give private lessons, and after that – simply relaxing, having fun, and thinking of things other than school. It was about time, really.

So now that I am “free”, what are my plans? I will finally be able to focus on more important things. Currently on my to-do-list is:

• cleaning up the apartment
• putting away ALL my school stuff, sorting out the school books so that I can return them to my school on June 12th
• tidying up my room
• spending lots of time on the balcony, in the sun
• reading A LOT (I have so many books to read, and I’ve neglected reading due to school – but now I have time, the whole day…)
• getting some exercise
• looking for a job

Yeah. So, that’s what I’ve planned. But the next days will simply consist of enjoying myself, having a good time, relaxing… you name it.

And that’s how the chapter “school” is closed. A strange feeling, actually… a really strange feeling, now that I’m finally done…

My latest distraction

I’m currently quite busy with my final exams, meaning that I’m studying – or pretending to study – most of the time, which is quite exhausting. I’m tired, I’m sort of not really myself and keep forgetting things I usually wouldn’t forget – talk to people, listen to people, clean up the apartment, whatever it is, I can’t really focus on it. And an enormous lack of sleep. One more exam to go, which will be the hardest – History, oh, how I hate modern History -, then only the oral exam, and then I’m finally done. It’s about time, too.

There are few things that actually cheer me up at the moment, only few things that really distract me, and I’m always looking forward to them. One thing, of course, is role-playing. Planning the Maraskan trip there is so much fun, and simply being my character is just good to relax and get my mind off things.

The second thing is, in fact, my brother’s X-Box, where I seem to spend more time than I originally wanted to. First, it was Portal. Ever since David made me listen to the credits song “Still Alive” I wanted to play that game, found out that my brother has it, played it and had lots of fun doing that. The cake is a lie. Nothing more to add to this. The only problem was that ever since I played that game, I desperately wanted to have some cake – and I was absolutely happy when I got a piece of real cake on Tuesday evening. Yay! ^^

After playing Portal, I was back to slaying monsters in “Viking: Battle for Asgard”, but that grew to be boring after a while. It’s a good distraction, anyway. But the day before yesterday, my brother made me try another X-Box game he is currently quite in favour of: Mass Effect. And that’s what got me hooked immediately.

I have to admit that I’m normally not quite in favour of sci-fi stuff. I rather prefer the old-fashioned monster-slaying with some stylish sword or whatever. But Mass Effect is quite interesting, too. Of course I modified the character’s appearance, and even though my characters normally look quite weird when I do that, I am actually proud this time. He doesn’t look weird at all, he’s rather… stylish. Rough. And I love those different versions you can choose there – the background story and the psychological profile, I mean. Now, here’s my Shepard:

He’s a colonist, meaning that he grew up on the colony Mindoir. When he was 16, some slave hunters attacked Mindoir and killed his family and friends; rescued by an alliance patrol, he signed up for the alliance military later, too. Concerning his psychological profile, he is quite unscrupulous – during his whole military career he stuck to one basic principle: the mission is to be completed at any cost. He is generally seen as being cold, calculating and brutal and is respected because of his ruthless efficiency. And failure is absolutely not an option for him. I remember one scene that I played yesterday: he met a former slave, a girl that had been kidnapped by the slave hunters during the same attack where he lost his friends and family. And she was confused, and asked him, talking about herself in the third person, “Why aren’t you broken like her? She is broken, why are you still so strong?” And his answer was self-evident: “Nobody breaks me.” Rawr.

I didn’t want to play a stereotype soldier, though; he’s an expert, a biotic specialist, so rather mage-type than soldier-type. At the moment, though, I’m still shooting down most of the things. And the story, I have to admit, is really quite interesting…

Of course, knowing that it’s me, I went for the bad guy in every aspect. In conversations, I’m always the “piss off, and if you get on my nerves you’re absolutely dead” type of guy, and I have lots of fun being a complete asshole to most of the people there. Except for one, of course, because my brother told me that there are two women you can kind of flirt with, Ashley and Liara. Ashley got on my nerves right from the beginning and she’s usually the one my character looks down on, and I had really lots of fun when I was like, “Do we have a problem?” – “Sir, during the whole mission, you doubted my competence!” – “Well, then prove to me that you actually have those competences and that you’re worthy of my trust.” Yay. Love him. Anyway, so there’s only Liara left, an alien, and even though it’s hard for me not to be the bad guy with her, it’s quite understandable that he’s nice to her because… well, she’s blue. My universal argument: she’s blue. And she’s cute. And much better than Ashley. I think I’m going to play it once again when I’m done with this, though, and see what it’s like to be the bad guy all the time. And the way he talks to people… absolutely gorgeous! The kind of guy who prefers to shoot first, and ask questions afterwards. He doesn’t like the idea of anybody questioning his competence, of anybody telling him what to do and he behaves accordingly, not talking to people who he thinks waste his time. I’m getting as many renegade points as possible and I am always disappointed when I, by accident, get some exemplary points. So here we are, the bad guy in every single aspect.

My Shepard, you see, is the typical character I really prefer. And I’m so much looking forward to playing him again. And that’s my latest distraction – and quite an interesting one, too. I’m already curious to see how the story proceeds.

Look into another world.

 Basically, I should be studying for my final exam in German on Tuesday. I’ve already read the notes I took on the books we read, noticed that I still know almost everything that’s written there, so I’m taking a break now and write this entry. Afterwards, I’ll have a look at the things I’m not familiar with – communication theory, stylistic devices and the different literary epochs. The same goes for tomorrow, and then I’ll write that exam. You can’t really do much for German, can you?

However, the past few weeks showed me how much I am going to miss role-playing when I move to the Netherlands in August, for three years, to do my Bachelor of Arts. I have to admit that in the past few months I had a hard time role-playing. I wasn’t able to fully concentrate on my character, I wasn’t able to fully appreciate what we were doing, it felt strange and I had a really hard time being creative enough. I felt more or less uncomfortable. I wasn’t able to emotionally connect with the happenings and the characters, and I think that this emotional connection should be the basis for good, real role-playing.

That changed in the past few weeks. I don’t know whether it’s because I don’t have to concentrate on school stuff anymore, or whether it is because I know what the future has in store for me (speaking of my studies in the Netherlands), or whether it’s something completely different, I don’t know. But the past few weeks were really emotional when it came to role-playing. I like to have my characters be exposed to extreme situations, physically and mentally, and it is very interesting to see how they react, what it feels like to be in such extreme situations. Of course I can’t have that all the time; I need to have a certain balance between “tavern-roleplaying”, meaning just playing my character in his everyday life (we like to do that a lot, too), and those adventurous, exciting situations. And for the moment, my regular group has achieved this balance; I’m already looking forward to playing again, even though we just played the irregular “parody” group (main focus: fun, fun, fun!) yesterday. I can’t wait to play again, seriously. I’m all crazy about it.

Where does that come from? When you don’t know what I’m talking about, all this sounds simply freaky and strange to you, and anyone who has never done role-playing doesn’t have a clue what the hell should be interesting about that. To me, the most attractive thing about role-playing is that you actually have to behave, think like someone else. Someone who has principles that are, probably, not your own, someone who thinks in ways you’d never think like in your everyday life, someone who is just entirely different from yourself. And you have to deal with that. You have to adapt to that different mentality and act accordingly. That is what makes role-playing extremely interesting to me. The other thing, of course, is that it is a means to spend your time in some “different reality” just for a few hours, to leave your everyday problems behind and be someone else instead. I’d rather think it’s a means to keep a healthy balance between creativity and real life and I wouldn’t want to miss that experience. And that has become obvious in the past few weeks. A lot. How much you connect with your character, emotionally, how much you are able to think about him/her. I like to have in-depth characters. Complex characters with a variety of reasons to act the way they act. I don’t want to play any “super-hero-people” simply because I wouldn’t feel comfortable with that. My characters do have their flaws, and are aware of most of them, and they have to deal with them nevertheless. And the more I play my character, the more I grow attached to him. I speak of Chakijian mostly because it’s the character I play most and on a regular basis, but that goes with my other characters just the same, normally. And it isn’t only reduced to the weekly role-playing group: when Annika and I sit together and start to have our in-character-conversations, that is awesome as well, and lots, lots of fun. There was a time when I had a hard time role-playing, there was even a whole year where I totally refused to play because I couldn’t get that role-playing feeling, but now I’m more attached to it than ever before, I guess. And I don’t know why.

But I do know that it’s one thing I am going to miss like hell. Not playing on a regular basis any longer, not having that balance. Only being able to play when I come back home for the holidays. Of course there might be a small chance that I can role-play in the Netherlands, too, but I strongly doubt that. At least not DSA – I think Dungeons&Dragons is much more popular with English-speaking people. But even if I had the chance to play there, it wouldn’t be the same. This role-playing group is simply unique and very special, I wouldn’t be able to find something similar to that, ever. The characters just belong together (even though they’re getting on each other’s nerves most of the time) and we, the players, belong together as well. It’s as simple as that.

But I guess that’s the toll it takes. At least I won’t have to give up role-playing forever. And that’s a good thing, isn’t it?

Off to the disturbing BaföG thing now, and then – joy, joy – a painkiller to get rid of my headaches. After that – communication theory, I suppose, and a quick look at stylistic devices. Keep it up!