Haven’t written anything in a long time, yes, I know. The past few months have been exhausting, the past few weeks have been even worse. School starts to feel awkward – last Wednesday I took the last Maths exam in my whole life (which is a shame, because doing Maths is always comparable to an emotional holiday for me). Because I only have it as fourth subject in the final exams, my last Maths exam will only be oral. All in all, a strange feeling. There are preparations from all sides already – our Abizeitung committee is working a lot, for example; since I’m a member of it, I have to know that. I’m responsible for the quotes that will appear in our Abizeitung, and putting them all together, sorting them out and selecting the final ones is pretty hard. Apart from this, Sonja and I have been busy the past few Sundays preparing a timeline for History so we can learn with it properly later on. There’s still a lot of work to do about it, and it’s quite exhausting, but I suppose it’ll really be worth the effort eventually. My father and I sat together today to find out how much BaFöG I’d probably get for studying at university – which makes me worry about how to go on after school. And just whenever I have a look at my calendar, I see that time is running too fast for me to catch up with. I already know the dates for my final examinations and already knowing that makes me feel awkward and scared – not scared of the exams, but of what’s to come afterwards.
My mind has been working very slowly the past few weeks, and yet, right at the lowest point of my motivation and strength, I’m caught right in the middle of another exam phase. Next week, there’ll be my two LK exams, the week after, there’ll be my History exam, and the week after that, Philosophy. And, frightening as that sounds, that’s it. Then there’ll be the “pre-final exams” and then… the final ones. Makes me feel a little uneasy.
The past few weeks have been very exhausting, emotionally speaking. I haven’t slept properly for what appears to be ages, I’m worrying my head off about all sorts of very personal things, and my emotional strength seems to have drained away somewhere where I can’t conjure it up from anymore. I try to keep up with things, with life, with myself, but I’m not quite able to. There’s simply no motivation left for anything, and I’ve put up a “I-don’t-care-attitude” concerning most things. I’m tired all the time because it’s hard to wake up properly when it’s still dark outside, and as it gets dark so early again, my inner clock seems to be some hours ahead all the time. It’s cold outside, and I don’t like it when it’s cold.
And I’m not even creative. I haven’t written anything in a long time, and there’s again that hole inside of me that’s always there when I can’t write, when I have such a writer’s block. At least I’m still able to read, although my mind doesn’t seem to be able to focus on things for more than a few minutes. And I’m only rarely able to listen to music.
Anyway. I’ve learned not to simply sit around feeling blue when something like that happens and everything seems to be closing in on me. Unfortunately, at the moment, I don’t have much strength left to do anything about it. Only a month left, then there’ll be the winter break. And in case I won’t have recovered mentally by then, I’ll be able to relax, finally, during that break.
And, apart from this, there are also things to look forward to. If everything goes well and I’ll be able to get enough money for it, I’ll go to Ireland or Scotland for a few days next year, together with my cousin, simply in order to have a rest from basically everything. Then there’s university, although there’ll be that annoying question of the money – I’m trying to put that out of my head for the time being, focusing on the positive things about it and putting that problem up for further consideration, later, when I’m at a point where I’ll be able to think about it, finding solutions. And I’ll get lots of new books in the future, just like that. So there are some things to keep my head up, after all.
But for all of those who I’ve neglected in the past few weeks – speaking of your comments, your messages, emails, whatever – I’m awfully sorry, but I can’t do much about it at the moment. I’m very busy keeping my life rolling somehow. At the moment, I still have to write an essay for Philosophy which I’m stuck with; I have to prepare presentations, homework, exams, and I have to distract my mind from some personal matters as well – feelings I don’t want to have, feelings I shouldn’t have, stuff like that.
I’ll get back to you when I have more time. I promise.
It’s just change – don’t worry too much. “Only the good people worry”, as one of my professors used to say. I know, I’m worrying too much, too.
But in the end, university will likely be the coolest time of your life, with the most intellectual stimluation, the most freedom (unless you study one of the *hard* topics), and it’s a step towards growing up, which I found really cool back in the days.
Regarding money – I worked through university, and I got a stipend. (You might want to look into that if you fit the bill). Teaching or working in some place can give you some cool experience you can build on. In any case, where’s a will there’s a way.
Good luck.