Go for some change!

Here I am. I wanted change in my life, I wanted some new direction, I wanted to have plans for my future, and here I am.

Today, I had my personal interview at the Roosevelt Academy in Middelburg, which is in the Netherlands. It’s quite hard to get accepted, though, because they only accept 200 students each year and only 75 of them are from abroad, like me. Now, I had my personal interview with the Dean today and it went really well. I had lots, lots of fun talking to the Dean, we got along quite well and talked about so many different things, were engaged in philosophical discussions, and he also knew how to judge my character correctly – amazing. And then the final words, which were sort of obvious during the whole interview: “Let me congratulate you on becoming a student of Roosevelt Academy!” I got accepted. Amazing.

Now, what is this Roosevelt Academy about? It’s an internationally recognised university, the language of communication is English, there are more than 50 nationalities represented there, you live on campus together with people from all over the world, the academic program is not like the program you usually get – it’s much broader and not as limited as at normal universities, much more personal (e.g. there are classes not bigger than 25 people, you have a personal tutor, etc.)… it’s extremely cool, and just the right thing for me. It’s demanding, challenging, and just everything I would want to get from a university. I never thought it would be possible that I got accepted… and now I am. Accepted. Starting this year, in fall. =)

I’m damn excited, and still can’t really believe it. I’m extremely hyper, so I should return to my Guinness, have some fun and go to bed soon. A totally new course in my life, and I’m so much looking forward to it. Now I am much calmer and much more relaxed about everything – my final exams, etc., because I know what’s in store for me now. Finally.

First sign of life.

Shame. On. Me. The new year’s already three months old and I haven’t written anything at all. Sorry about that. Even now, my mind seems to be made up of just a series of incoherent thoughts, so don’t expect anything in-depth from me. There are only 8 days left at school, which is a good reason to be both enthusiastic and unmotivated. Then there will be my final exams end of April and in May, and then I’m done. Finished. And after next Friday, I’ll never have to see those motherfuckers – ahem, sorry, those lovely people from my school – again. Ever. Awesome feeling.

On the contrary, what I’ve also experienced the past few months is that it is really strange how strong a connection between you and people you hardly know, and will never see again, can be just because you all know that you have one tiny thing in common. Even though you don’t actually know them, don’t even know their names, but you feel that connection nevertheless. Strange, strange world.

For further notice, I’ve finally found a university that would just suit me perfectly, a university that would give me exactly what I want and need. It’s hard to get accepted, though, so keep your fingers crossed, please, all of you.

Last weekend was fun, so to say. Why? Because we had our “new” role-playing group on Saturday. Basically consisting of my regular group and two guys I’ve never met before. And of course I went totally crazy before because our “normal” location was too small for seven people, so we captured my living room. And I tend to be pretty hectic when there are people coming over I don’t know yet. But everything went fine – more than fine, actually. It was gorgeous. Brilliant. Absolutely awesome. We had lots of fun and it felt like we people had always played together for, like, ages. Time was flying so fast, and before we even noticed, it was 11:30pm – yes, pm, shortly before midnight, and that was when everyone left. And after tidying up a bit, I went to bed, totally happy and smiling all the time. And extremely hyper because we emptied, all in all, 6 litre of coke. So it was hard to get to sleep, but I was totally happy and couldn’t stop grinning and laughing. I haven’t had that much fun in ages. I like that group, and the characters, and the interaction. Love it. And I honestly can’t wait for the next time we play – even though that means that I’ll go all crazy like “Oh my god, people come over, I have to clean EVERYTHING and every little spot!”, although they wouldn’t be bothered by a bit of untidiness. But that’s just me.

My To-Do-List gets longer and longer and longer, and it never seems to become shorter, no matter what I do. I’ll have a presentation on Friday, and I need to finish the application for my favourite university very, very soon, and things like that. Longer, longer, longer, and I seem to get less and less of sleep. Right now I feel like dropping to bed and not waking up for several days, because that’s the amount of sleep I’d like to have restored.

But even though I’m currently at the kind of point again where I would like to sit down in a corner and hide from the rest of the world – or, if that’s not possible, go and shout at everyone who crosses my way -, I’m somewhat positive that it’ll all turn to something better. And if there’s nothing much to look forward to, I’m seriously looking forward to role-playing.

To hell with it?

I’m feeling rather poorly – still. The whole thing started a week or so ago and I had hoped that it would get better by itself. Being sick is totally out of question for me usually – I have a pretty good immune system and hardly get sick at all. But recently, basically everyone was ill in some way or another – I was surrounded by stomach flu and severe colds and shingles and finally ended up with some sort of a flu, I guess. At times I could barely speak, I’m coughing all the time, and the worst thing about it is that I usually wake up by 5 or 6 in the morning and can’t get back to sleep because of my very disturbing headaches. Of course I’m not the kind of girl who goes to see a doctor very often (which seems to upset some of my friends a lot) because everything takes care of itself and I get better by simply trying to ignore it. Didn’t work this time, though, and finally my father, as well as Sonja and Bertina talked me into going to see the doctor. That wasn’t much of a problem, since I was awake early in the morning anyway… -.-

The result is, however, that I’m on antibiotics now, and on two or three other kinds of medicine, and got stronger painkillers which finally work. Good thing about it: it should be better soon. According to my doc.
Bad thing about it: my doc also made it clear that partying on New Year’s Eve will be totally out of question for me – she told me to stay in bed or on the sofa most of the time, take my medicine and take as much rest as I can.
Very bad thing about it: I was so looking forward to going to Bertina’s party on New Year’s Eve ever since she mentioned it a month ago, but instead of partying, my New Year’s Eve will be boring and lonely. I was looking quite forward to spending New Year’s Eve with most of my friends. But since I’m still infectious, that’s probably not a very good idea… Life just sucks sometimes.
Of course, I won’t stay home on New Year’s Eve – unless I don’t have the strength to walk around anymore. When I’m sick, I rarely make a fuss about it, and instead of sitting there feeling sorry for myself, I always need to do something. I haven’t been able to do much the past few days, though, which was kind of frustrating. Anyway, my mom’s gonna have raclette on New Year’s Eve, so I’ll probably go over and have some. I love raclette, with all those little pans and you can be so flexible and… well, and most importantly of course, I won’t have to spend my time completely alone. Only parts of it.

As I said, I hate doing nothing, especially when I’m sick because I always have the feeling that it shouldn’t be that bad, and that I shouldn’t be such a wimp and do something nevertheless. Half an hour ago, all of a sudden, I was so furious about being sick that I had a go at tidying up the kitchen very radically, so tomorrow will be started with the dishwasher being put on. It already looks a lot tidier now, even though it was just a matter of a few minutes. I am very confused about the things I can find in our kitchen. But it does look tidier, I’ll clean it up properly tomorrow and I suppose I’ll shout at anyone who’s trying to turn it into a mess again. Someone has to do it, after all.

It would be nice if that sudden motivation stayed for another few days – that way, I’d have something to do on New Year’s Eve, too, when everyone is out partying and drinking lots of alcohol, while I am left with only my medicine to hug.

So, in a way: Always look on the bright side of life! =)

Typical.

It’s Christmas – and I’m pretty sick. That’s so typical of me, getting sick in my holidays when I’m actually supposed to relax. When I woke up yesterday, I could only whisper, but since I had an important appointment that day, I fed on cough syrup, cough sweets and tea the whole morning. It was a little better after that. And this morning I woke up pretty early, at 6am, and couldn’t get back to sleep, so I thought I might as well give a life sign again.

It’s actually the same as last year. I’m still not particularly fond of the whole Christmas fuss, some people would probably be right to call me a Grinch, and the past few days have been quite hectic. This year was last-minute Christmas shopping – I usually hate that, because everyone, in all shops, is so hectic about basically everything. However, I got the last presents yesterday and after a long, brave fight with wrapping paper (I suck at wrapping presents!), they are all – more or less nicely – wrapped up and covering my floor. At least those I need to have this evening.

I’ll spend today, Christmas Eve, at my mother’s, just like usually; this time, however, I’ll go there a little earlier because I want to help her with the cooking. My mom’s the best cook ever and I guess if I help her with it, there’s a lot I can learn from her. =) After dinner (we’ll have Turkey!) we will throw dice for presents; the tradition I’ve introduced at Christmas some years ago. Everyone gets a dice, the dice are thrown in turn, and when you get a 6, you’re allowed to take your first present. When you get the next 6, you’re also allowed to open it.
That makes Christmas much more exciting than the usual opening of presents is. And it takes quite a lot of time, too.

Apart from that, I’ve been able to deal with a few things I had to do, but always avoided to do, so that now I’m moving a little forward, speaking of some mental things. But things are also getting serious by now: we got our reports last Friday, and now only the pre-final exams (and my last Spanish exam) are left – and then it’s getting really serious. I still have three presentations to prepare for sometime after the holidays, and I am also supposed to continue the timeline I’m doing with Sonja for History.
There are only a few months left until my very final exams and somehow, I don’t seem to be able to catch up with most things. Everything’s going by in such a rush, there are so many things to do…

Unnecessary as it was, instead of trying to relax at least the first few days of my holidays, I sat down Friday, when I came back from work (I give private lessons four times a week), and set up a long, long To Do list, which is kind of demotivating to look at. But I managed to cross out quite a few things already…

Anyway. I basically just wanted you to know that I am, indeed, still alive, even though I’m rather coughing all the time. I think I’ll make myself some tea now, and then, perhaps, I’ll get back to sleep – or at least trying to. I usually can’t fall asleep again once I’ve woken up properly.
And I still have to read “Moon Palace” for my English course. Anyone there who has read it? By now, I’m not really enthusiastic about it…

Merry Christmas to all of you!

Winter Downs?

Haven’t written anything in a long time, yes, I know. The past few months have been exhausting, the past few weeks have been even worse. School starts to feel awkward – last Wednesday I took the last Maths exam in my whole life (which is a shame, because doing Maths is always comparable to an emotional holiday for me). Because I only have it as fourth subject in the final exams, my last Maths exam will only be oral. All in all, a strange feeling. There are preparations from all sides already – our Abizeitung committee is working a lot, for example; since I’m a member of it, I have to know that. I’m responsible for the quotes that will appear in our Abizeitung, and putting them all together, sorting them out and selecting the final ones is pretty hard. Apart from this, Sonja and I have been busy the past few Sundays preparing a timeline for History so we can learn with it properly later on. There’s still a lot of work to do about it, and it’s quite exhausting, but I suppose it’ll really be worth the effort eventually. My father and I sat together today to find out how much BaFöG I’d probably get for studying at university – which makes me worry about how to go on after school. And just whenever I have a look at my calendar, I see that time is running too fast for me to catch up with. I already know the dates for my final examinations and already knowing that makes me feel awkward and scared – not scared of the exams, but of what’s to come afterwards.

My mind has been working very slowly the past few weeks, and yet, right at the lowest point of my motivation and strength, I’m caught right in the middle of another exam phase. Next week, there’ll be my two LK exams, the week after, there’ll be my History exam, and the week after that, Philosophy. And, frightening as that sounds, that’s it. Then there’ll be the “pre-final exams” and then… the final ones. Makes me feel a little uneasy.

The past few weeks have been very exhausting, emotionally speaking. I haven’t slept properly for what appears to be ages, I’m worrying my head off about all sorts of very personal things, and my emotional strength seems to have drained away somewhere where I can’t conjure it up from anymore. I try to keep up with things, with life, with myself, but I’m not quite able to. There’s simply no motivation left for anything, and I’ve put up a “I-don’t-care-attitude” concerning most things. I’m tired all the time because it’s hard to wake up properly when it’s still dark outside, and as it gets dark so early again, my inner clock seems to be some hours ahead all the time. It’s cold outside, and I don’t like it when it’s cold.

And I’m not even creative. I haven’t written anything in a long time, and there’s again that hole inside of me that’s always there when I can’t write, when I have such a writer’s block. At least I’m still able to read, although my mind doesn’t seem to be able to focus on things for more than a few minutes. And I’m only rarely able to listen to music.

Anyway. I’ve learned not to simply sit around feeling blue when something like that happens and everything seems to be closing in on me. Unfortunately, at the moment, I don’t have much strength left to do anything about it. Only a month left, then there’ll be the winter break. And in case I won’t have recovered mentally by then, I’ll be able to relax, finally, during that break.

And, apart from this, there are also things to look forward to. If everything goes well and I’ll be able to get enough money for it, I’ll go to Ireland or Scotland for a few days next year, together with my cousin, simply in order to have a rest from basically everything. Then there’s university, although there’ll be that annoying question of the money – I’m trying to put that out of my head for the time being, focusing on the positive things about it and putting that problem up for further consideration, later, when I’m at a point where I’ll be able to think about it, finding solutions. And I’ll get lots of new books in the future, just like that. So there are some things to keep my head up, after all.

But for all of those who I’ve neglected in the past few weeks – speaking of your comments, your messages, emails, whatever – I’m awfully sorry, but I can’t do much about it at the moment. I’m very busy keeping my life rolling somehow. At the moment, I still have to write an essay for Philosophy which I’m stuck with; I have to prepare presentations, homework, exams, and I have to distract my mind from some personal matters as well – feelings I don’t want to have, feelings I shouldn’t have, stuff like that.

I’ll get back to you when I have more time. I promise.

Of monsters and polar tigers…

What I am supposed to be doing: study for the German exam (i.e. reading that horrible book), clean my room, do my homework, etc. etc.

What I would really like to be doing: play “The Witcher”, read (Terry Pratchett, of course), watch some movies or some more Stargate Atlantis episodes, continue writing the Etain-Insane-thing…

What I am actually doing: panicking and writing this blog entry…

So, it seems that I’m very fascinated with “The Witcher” at the moment. Amazing game, although (or perhaps because) it keeps me from doing more important stuff (like working for school, studying for exams and the like) basically all the time. My constant “Oh, just that one quest and I’ll tend to other matters” basically always results in noticing, a few hours later, that it wasn’t just “that one quest” – or, perhaps, that it actually was. Also promises like “Only one hour, and then something different”… ah, well, they just don’t seem to work well with me. That game is far too fascinating. Even though I finished it for the second time now, it’s so much different.

Now, that’s one aspect why I like that game so much: it’s different. Your decisions change everything and it’s never quite the same. Geralt’s character is never quite the same, either. That’s what makes it so interesting. Unlike in other games, this character has so much depth and so many layers to him – and it’s fun finding out more about those layers.

I play “my” Geralt with a certain concept in mind. My Geralt isn’t just a plain monster slayer and that’s just it. Not at all…

Geralt is a witcher, alright. He came to Kaer Morhen at an early age and went through all those stages and mutations, sacrificing a lot there for the sake of witcher’s abilities. I doubt he had much of a choice back then. For the sake of being a witcher, he had to give up quite a lot – fertility, for instance. Being part of society, being accepted by others, not having many to trust in. Leading his dangerous witcher life, he’s isolated most of the time, rather a loner than anything else, to put it bluntly: he’s alone, basically. Having seen so much in life, and having taken so many lives, he’s really down-to-earth and realistic, pragmatic. His view on life isn’t distorted by any illusions, quite to the contrary. He’s also rather jaundiced and adorably sarcastic, and in many regards very reckless! (He got just my sense of humour, and that’s really great. ^^) And he doesn’t believe in destiny, he made that quite clear. He believes that man forges his own destiny and that he’s responsible for all his actions… He made that clear to the Lady of the Lake.

However, my Geralt is also a man of principles. He was raised by witchers and, naturally, adopted their principles (unlike, say, Berengar…) Meaning: yes, he kills monsters and stuff like that for money. Of course, if there’s a way to lift a curse instead of killing the monster, that’s always the better alternative, even though it consumes more strength and is probably more dangerous. (Just think of the striga quest. Would have been much, much easier to just kill Adda, but instead, I decided to lift the sword. And, hey, I got an amazing sword as a reward!) And Vincent… well, there was the chance of lifting his curse too, right? He had to think of that. And after all, he knew that Vincent wasn’t evil or anything. Plus, it would’ve hurt Carmen had he killed him. So lifting the curse, although it resulted in running around a lot, was the better alternative, too. Sometimes there’s a human side to his decisions, after all, although I’m trying to keep that low since my Geralt tries not to involve anyone too much. He rather goes for neutrality, but sometimes making decisions can’t be avoided, and that’s where it becomes really interesting.

The Scoia’tael. Yes, he supported them. Trying not to get involved in those political matters most of the time, he basically has no choice all the time – at least in my opinion. He was openly advanced by the Order of the Flaming Rose and the Scoia’tael, and decided to help the latter. Why? First of all, because he didn’t like the Order of the Flaming Rose – he’s definitely not religious and they want to impose their belief upon everyone, and they’re way too fanatic and pseudo-honourable. Religion instead of reason, that’s why he didn’t choose them. (Take the Reverend, for example. Such a bastard. I really didn’t like him.) Another reason for supporting the Scoia’tael was that they are outsiders, not accepted in society, just like Geralt. They are confronted with prejudices all the time and people only tolerate them when they are useful. And only temporarily. I suppose Geralt can identify with them much better because he’s treated just the same. People don’t like him, but tolerate him because he makes sure the monsters that threaten them are more likely to be dead monsters in a very near future. But basically, people don’t accept him. He’s treated more like a monster than a human, anyway, and since he’s not entirely human due to mutation, he probably feels he doesn’t belong to them either. Now, I don’t like elves on general principles, but the knights from that fanatic Order of the Flaming Rose pissed me off even more. Plus, I didn’t like Siegfried. I really didn’t like the way he talked and clearly didn’t want to have anything more to do with him than necessary. And White Rayla… well, nothing to say about her. Such an arrogant bitch. Another reason for not supporting the Order… And De Aldersberg… well. “Fanatic madman” is the best term that describes him, I guess.

But despite all those things, Geralt is lonely. He would like to have someone by his side, someone who cares and someone who loves him, even though he knows that a working relationship isn’t quite possible. With that charisma he has, he sleeps with many women, of course, but he actually needs some woman who truly loves him.

Now, playing it for the second time, that’s Shani. When I first played the game, I decided on Triss and… well, Shani was quite pissed and never talked to Geralt again, which was a shame really. But thinking about it, I came to the conclusion that Shani probably fits Geralt better than Triss. Triss is… I mean, she’s attractice. Okay. But that’s about it. Shani is much more emotional and… well, she’s just cool. When I first saw her, I was all like “OH MY GOD HOW CUTE IS THAT?!” and she’s just a pretty little thing. And she’s quite the opposite to Geralt: she actually cares about people and doesn’t want anyone to get hurt (as a medic, that’s kind of understandable), while Geralt is usually the one responsible for others getting hurt. However, I guess she’s really the kind of woman Geralt needs: full of spirits and emotional, and very open towards others, and about her emotions as well. Even though she’s seen a lot of war, too…

So: my Geralt fell in love with Shani, at least that’s what he thinks. But despite his longing for her, and despite his hoping for a life with Shani by his side, he’s also realistic enough as to realize that this might be impossible, leading a normal life. He can’t have children of his own anyway, and he made quite clear that Shani probably deserves better than him. Not someone like him who travels the world risking his neck for a few coins…

I could write so much more about him, but I got so many things to do… When I play it next time (I’ll get the Enhanced Edition, after all, so I’ll have to play it again) my concept of the character will probably change slightly and that’s going to be more interesting, too.

Should I say something about the monsters? Well. I really don’t like the drowners, or the drowned dead. I mean, they’re easy to kill, that’s right, and that’s a little boring, but it’s actually quite annoying when you walk through the swamps and suddenly some drowners attack. Because those drowners – they never come alone. No! Why should they? There are at least two drowners at once, more likely around five or more, and they also bring their friends, the bloodzuigers! Bloodzuigers – you know, those fat things that explode when you kill them, and sputter some acid that hurts you if you don’t run away fast enough? The best situation I had was the following: I was fighting some drowners, and two bloodzuigers. Killed one bloodzuiger, it exploded and sputtered its acid, thereby killing the other bloodzuiger which also exploded, and its acid killed the drowners. I was sitting in front of the computer and was all like “WTF was that?!” And with that drowner-repelling amuelet I got, they always run away before I can kill them, and that’s quite… annoying. So to say.

I love the end, though. It’s such a stylish ending, really! Abso-fucking-lutely beautiful, to say it with Geralt’s words…

-

Apart from that – anything new with me? Well, I’m having a lot of stress at the moment, school and stuff like that; I’ll have my two LK exams next week and I should actually start to prepare for German, which will be on Tuesday. And I still have to read about 50 pages. I just can’t get myself motivated enough to actually read it. Horrible. – Apart from that, however, it’s okay right now and I’m sure I’ll be fine as soon as things calm down a bit (meaning, as soon as next week is over; I’ll have some weeks of not-doing-anything-much following then). I’ve felt much, much better ever since I broke up with my ex-boyfriend and I’m actually quite happy to close that chapter in my life. Nothing I’d really like to remember there. Anyway, I’m happy the way it is now. Nothing more to say about this. A closed chapter, really.

Now to get on with that horrible book I have to read for the German exam… *sigh*

Circles.

At the moment, I have that annoying and frustrating feeling that my life goes in circles all the time, and I don’t get on with anything worth mentioning. I don’t know what it is, but it certainly pisses me off. In addition, there are several other things (private as well as school stuff) that cost a lot of my nerves, make me panic and stuff. I merely seem to mark time, not getting on with life or anything. Fucking stupid. I’m not saying that I don’t try. But whatever I do, I always end up where I was before, not having achieved anything. People don’t seem to understand me there, so I don’t try to explain anything anymore; that’s just how it is.

A good thing to distract me from things like school or “real life” is “The Witcher”. Amazing game, I love that character and it is real fun to play, although I keep getting annoying bugs – people aren’t where they are supposed to be, spells don’t work when they should be working, people which are due to give me quests don’t give them to me and things I actually do are, like, ignored, and quite a few quests have been left unfinished because of that. There are more bugs, though, and yes, I did install the latest patch. I have fun slaying stuff there, monsters as well as people, and I can be surrounded by ten Drowned Dead and slay them all without losing any life at all. I’ve developed a certain aversion to Wraiths and those stupid plants that keep growing out of nowhere, attacking me. I can fight ten Drowned Dead at once, as already mentioned, but as soon as I see one plant, I fucking run.

It’s a fun game, though, very interesting, and I can even ignore those bugs to some point. And it’s a good distraction, too.

Good thing: A few days ago, I got an inspiration flash all of a sudden. Out of nowhere. I was really tired, already in bed, listening to some music, and I was just about to turn around and close my eyes when images and sentences and ideas suddenly came into my mind, and despite me almost falling asleep already, I couldn’t stop it and started to write something. Only one page, because I was too tired and almost dropped my pen whenever I blinked, but that was at least something.

I haven’t had any “inspiration flash” for quite a long time. Months. Half a year or something? Something like that. Especially not in German – although, I have to admit, I should probably stop trying to write something creative in German because what I write seems to have lost the something extra it had before, in that language. I’m curious about how that one turns out, though.

But as I said, a little inspiration flash, the first for something that feels like ages actually. A real inspiration flash without me pushing anything.

Perhaps it’s coming back to me for a little while. Writing, I mean.

Insanity strikes back!

Okay… Summer break is almost over. Only one week to go, then my days will be halway “normal” again (as normal as my days can be, at least). Regulated and planned days. Getting up early in the morning again. (I already do, simply because I’m not able to sleep long, which can be quite unnerving.) Last year at school. And a lot of work and stress I actually don’t want to think about at all. But, yeah. That’s life.

Since Bertina is in the States and we can’t continue our regular DSA group without her, we tried some new systems… First: Paranoia! Now, that’s a really weird and senseless system. We had lots of fun, although I obviously failed because my character only died three times, while all the others had all their characters’ clones (everyone has six clones) killed. In the end, only my character was left and, of course, presented himself gloriously, speaking of the mission. Which wasn’t true of course, but there was nobody left to refute his statements, right? – Still, ony dying three times is quite a bad thing But that’s why we didn’t get characters of our own, but characters Annika distributed among us randomly. You don’t keep your characters for long, so there’s no sense in creating new ones every time you play. Also – Paranoia is no system you should take seriously. In fact, if you take it seriously, you’re out. It’s as simple. ^^

And then: GAIA! An inofficial roleplay system Annika invented, based on Final Fantasy IX. I’ve never played FFIX, but that doesn’t matter – I still love the system. She put a lot of work into it and it’s simply fun to play it. My character is a female Esper (they’re very rare and hardly known around the world, and they have a horn on their forehead) called Aylen. Now, what can I say about Aylen? She’s an explorer, has silver hair and violet eyes and she’s just cute. I only played her once so far, but it was real fun. The great thing about Aylen is that she has a totally positive attitude towards… well, basically towards everything. Except when people try to put things on her horn. (Chris’s character tries to do that all the time.) Take for instance this: due to my brother’s character, another Esper called Kyllian, who has this disadvantage that really strange things happen to him (like, he exits a room and accidentally does a time/dimension travel and things like that), the whole group suddenly had to make a crash-landing somewhere in a desert, without much food and stuff like this, having no idea where or when they were (they seemed to have done a little time travel without noticing simply because… well, Kyllian was there, that’s enough of a ‘why’). People were (understandably) quite pissed off. Aylen had originally joined the group because they were about to travel somewhere near her home and since she’s an explorer, and quite curious, she offered to join them. Now someone asked her, “Do you already regret it?” Her only reaction was a, “Why? I think it’s rather funny and exciting!”

So much for Aylen. A lot of things happened to her in a short period of time – first of all that time travel, then she got knocked out by a huge sandworm (those Dune things, you know), then it almost ate her (she was unconscious during the whole “fight”) and afterwards they got rescued by other sandworms which were quite friendly. Aylen hugged two of them and she likes them quite a lot. Things like that. She’s extremely positive and basically always in a good mood. It’s really amazing to play her, because she actually puts you in a good mood. When I first played her, I was basically in quite a bad mood, but afterwards I simply felt great.

We’ll play again tomorrow. That’ll be fun. I love Aylen!

I’ve also worked for school during the summer break. Yes, I actually did. Not as much as I have planned to, but I read Romeo & Juliet for my English LK (I’ve read it years ago in English, too, just for fun, and now I had to re-read and work on it…) and… I really don’t like Romeo. I just can’t stand his character. He’s quite a loser, the guy stuffed up with so much childish and blue-eyed romance that you actually get sick, and he’s an emo. Yes, he is. Causes a lot of trouble and it would have been easier to kill him straight instead of waiting for him to commit suicide. Bah. Such a boring character! Yup, you get that right – when I read it, I basically spent most of my time making fun of the characters. But I was a good girl and did my tasks, too…

As for movies: within the last three days, I watched “Superhero Movie” – twice. So much slapstick! Yay for senseless movies – I couldn’t stand anything intelligent those days, so that movie was perfect. I went to watch it with Kai and Plewis first, and then, two days later, with Annika. Yes, we did have fun.

But nothing could top the movie I watched today when I was at Sonja’s: Autumn Rush. One word: WOW. That’s it, nothing more to add. A marvellous movie that is based on its music, that actually lives from the music. Sonja already told me it’s great, but I never expected something like this. It was just great. Jonathan Rhys Meyers has such a great voice. And I love his accent. I love Irish accent in general, and his was great. We watched the movie in English, of course… Awesome. Purrable. Nothing more to add here. You’ll have to watch it to know what I mean. Amazing.

But no summer break goes without bad movies, of course, and I really mean bad movies. I watched “The Da Vinci Code” with my darling. If you’ve read the book and watched the movie afterwards, you know what I mean. Disgusting. How can you literally rape a book that much?! A piece of literature, and you produce such crap based on it! Nothing more to add.

Darling and I also started to rewrite an old story we wrote years ago and I’m having quite a lot of fun doing that. I’m not able to produce anything literary on my own right now, which is quite stupid. But together with my darling, everything’s fine.

Now I’ll go back to relaxing with the August Rush music. See you around!

Well, it’s a marvellous night for a Moondance
With the stars up above in your eyes
A fantabulous night to make romance
‘Neath the cover of October skies

Carpe Diem.

Yup, every once in a while, I seem to be able to post something here. I deliberately don’t post when I am too emotional, because, as a matter of fact, I write and talk far too much when I am emotional and I don’t want my very soul to be available in the internet because of one moment of weakness or emotionality. Emotional stuff goes either to my friends or, which is more likely because I don’t want others to know about certain things, to my diary or my pillow via tears.

Since I was quite emotional the past few months, I didn’t have time nor motivation nor anything to write in here. I wanted to write a new entry several times already, but every time I either forgot or was suddenly distracted by other things. I also “just” (that is, last Sunday) returned from my 11-days holidays in Bulgaria, which were quite hot and had (considerably) lots of alcohol, but a lot of relaxation and fun, too. It’s kind of frustrating and demotivating to return to Germany and have weather such as this, after 11 days of temperatures up to 40 or 50°C; nothing compared to this *points out of the window*

My creativity seems to have gone on holidays, too. As a matter of fact, I haven’t produced anything literary – anything actually worth being called “literature” – recently. For a short while, I was very creative and started to write quite a lot about my main DSA roleplay character Chakijian’s past, which was quite funny, but I’m even stuck there. I hate such blocks. Even though I feel I need to write something, desperately, I somehow can’t. In addition to that, I don’t have anything to write concerning MZI or anything else with my characters there (Auden, Azazel, Adara, anything will do as long as I can write). What I’m saying: I do have some open things I’d really like to continue (Auden and Dimura first of all, then Auden and Irask, Azazel and Keir, and, of course, the “current” thing – Auden and Edward). Auden and Edward, now, that’s really something worth writing and I’m having lots of fun with that. Auden, the unfeeling sadist, and Edward, a weird masochistic and sadistic Vampire who is some 900 years older, but much weaker than Auden. With Edward’s humour and “not taking anyone serious”-attitude and especially the way he is attracted to Auden, and with Auden being far too serious and strict and unfeeling – both are great. I was really glad when I finally saw Phantom online and was able to ask her to RP with me, and she did, first the Auden-Zero scene, then the two Auden-Edward scenes. However, she hasn’t replied to my last post since Monday and I’m kind of desperate because I don’t have anything to write anymore. ‘Cause nobody replies to my posts, in any scene. And Bertina’s on holiday, too. *dramatic sigh*

Anyway. I watched a movie with my sister today, one of my top favourites – “Dead Poets Society”, one of the best and most touching movies I’ve ever seen, one that has influenced me a lot and made me feel a little better after watching it. Of course, I had to cry again, but never mind that, it’s always worth it. I remember watching it for the very first time: it was at school, in Geography-bilingual, back then when we used to watch movies in Geography that didn’t have anything to do with Geography… And what kind of movie was that! I’m really glad that our teacher showed it to us. He was quite a cool teacher, anyway. Watching the movie today, I had little flashbacks of first watching it – I remember very well where I sat when we watched it in class, it was near the door, and I know very well that in one scene (after the boys got to know of Neil’s suicide and Todd’s running in the white, cold snow, crying and shouting in anger and despair) I really had to pull myself together in order not to cry in class. What a moment. I still recall it vividly.

But what’s said in the movie… what Keating teaches the boys, what he tells Neil, what he makes them realize – it’s the truth, plain and simple. If you just open your eyes and have a look around you. If you just realize what little you got and how much you’re wasting on things you don’t want to waste it on. If you write a poem, or a story, anything literary, or if you read one, you understand exactly what he’s trying to say there. And, mind you, that’s something very precious, this realization of life itself.

Bookstores are poison to me – or not to me; to me, they are pure joy. To my money, however, they are pure poison. I went to the Mayersche today willing to buy two books I wanted to have dearly – “Fear Itself” by Jonathan Nasaw (God, I love his way of writing! And those amazing psychopaths in his novels!), and “Equal Rites” by Terry Pratchett.

…

To put it bluntly: I left the bookstore having spent twice the amount of money I wanted to spend. For me, it’s very difficult to put away a book once I got it in my hand, and if it’s a book I wanted to have for sooo long, it’s like… impossible to make me put it away again. Or let’s put it this way: it’s not impossible if someone’s with me, someone who may well say, “Okay, Samy, you’ve had enough, now put away this book, yes, there’s a good girl, and now come with me…” But alone? Forget it. Not a single chance.

Other than that, I’m currently enjoying the “Death Note” volumes. RYUK! L! God, they’re so amazing! I mean – Ryuk! Ryuk just got my humour, and he’s in many ways very similiar to my character Azazel. And L – well. I don’t have anything to say about L, do I? L’s a freak. Really. A cute freak. A cute, intelligent and purrrrrfect freak. Nothing to complain about there, right? … Okay. Light’s getting on my nerves quite a lot. All the time, to be honest. But as long as there are Ryuk and L, everything’s fine.

By the way: anyone out there who wants to buy me a PS2? *smile*

Burnt.

I got back from Frankfurt just a quick while ago. It’s 4:30 pm now, I’m awake since 7 am, and I’ve spent my time in the car since 8 am, because I drove my brother to Frankfurt today (together with my father) for a World of Warcraft guild meeting, from which he’s going to return tomorrow. By train. Good thing, because I definitely won’t drive there again just to pick him up, especially considering that my dad drove most of the time, and it’s not only exhausting to drive for an hour or so myself (when I’m so awfully tired), no; it’s also extremely exhausting just to sit in the passenger seat, too tired to have any conversation at all, too tired to read, to tired to look out of the window. But when I drove, I managed everything quite well, considering that I managed to drive quite a bit with a serious panic attack. Yeah, I know pretty well why I haven’t dared to drive alone recently.

Also, up to yesterday, I never imagined how exhausting it actually is to be gamemaster – yesterday, I had to be the gamemaster in one of my DSA groups. And although it never really looks like being exhausting, it fucking is. We only played for a few hours, so not really a lot compared to usually, and most of the time I let the characters do whatever they want anyway, but nevertheless, it’s damn exhausting. Already a few hours. Always being there mentally, always paying attention to what everyone says at once, always making up your mind as to what to do next, who to introduce next, how to get the characters where you want them to be – all that constant mental work is much more exhausting than I had expected it to be. I was really shocked at that. When I got home yesterday in the evening (frustrated and tired), I just brushed my teeth, undressed and fell into my bed, and was even too exhausted to fall asleep for quite a while. Afterwards, however, my sleep was quite deep compared to usually (probably due to the exhaust), but yet I had to get up at fucking 7 am, still exhausted and terribly tired. Up to now. With the only difference that now, I’m not only exhausted and tired, but also hungry. And honestly, from what I’ve done yesterday – I really don’t like that, being gamemaster. Really. I’m glad when that little pseudo-adventure is over and I can play again, although I’m often frustrated after playing, too. But not as much as yesterday.

But I’m feeling rather burnt out recently, anyway, no matter what I do. For weeks already, I’m so tired I’d like to sleep all the time, at the same time too tired to actually sleep properly, and too exhausted to really do anything – studying, writing, even reading. For some reason, everything is too exhausting for me: keeping good grades at school. Talking to people. Being attentive. Thinking. Trying not to think. Coping with numerous personal problems. Trying not to become unfair and bitchy, because I easily lose my temper when I’m tired/exhausted/depressed/frustrated and stuff like that. And I never manage to stay fair and un-bitchy. I really feel sorry for those who have to endure me recently, because I actually tend to be a pain in the neck. Sorry for that.

And then, among many other things, it’s fucking hard, trying to maintain a facade of “Everything’s alright” when it isn’t, and failing even at that.

Recently, I can hardly concentrate on anything. Properly.

Also, I’m worrying my head off, sometimes even more than usual. I don’t want to do that, actually, because I know I shouldn’t worry so much. But as soon as my mind seems to calm down, retiring from all the exhausting everyday stuff, I start to think and, consequently, start to worry about anything, even if it’s not worth to worry about.

I suppose I really need holidays. If holidays aren’t too exhausting for me, too.

Currently reading “Brave New World”. It’s weird, how much you start to appreciate the society you live in to some extent when you’re confronted with something like that. But written in quite an interesting way, indeed.

Also – check out that band, “Alestorm”. Amazing stuff.